Малките разлики
Или малките камъчета, които обръщат колата
До теб:
Познаваме се отдавна, макар и задочно. Ти наскоро ме преоткри. И си говорихме. Цяла нощ. Осъзнахме, че имаме много общи неща. Повече от колкото сме очаквали. Повече от колкото човек се надява да срещне в някой друг.
Но в същото време за десетте дни от нашето подновено задочно познанство, аз се вгледах и в другата страна, в малките разлики, които съществиват между нас. Малките камъчета, които ни правят толкова различни и може би несъвместими.
Аз говоря и използвам английски език свободно, защото започнах да го уча , когато бях на седем. Дори го наричам, моя втори роден, защото започнах да пиша ръкописно на английски преди да започна да го правя на български.
Ти заяви, че никога не си го харесвал.
Може нивото ми по-руски вече да не е идеално, но бях на 5, когато майка ми ме научи на първите думи и нямах навършени 6, когато кандидатствахме за първи клас в Руското училище и не ме взеха защото бях „малка” и защото се притесних на интервюто. Изкарах още една година пред-учлищна и след това ме записаха в кварталното училище, защото родителите ми работеха на смени и беше по-близо.
Ти имаш в автобиографията си само сръбски и руски като чужди езици.
Аз използвам свободно английски, почти толкова руски. Освен това мога да чета свободно на френски и да превеждам от езика. Вярно е, че се замислям когато трябва да подредя собствените си изречения, но в един нормален разговор разбирам 90+ процента от говора, а останалото ми идва по смисъл.
Учила съм и две години испански в университета. За мое съжаление от този красив език ми остана много малко, защото почти не ми се е налагало да го използвам в 10те години от завършването ми.
Но благодарение на горните три езика мога дори да разбирам разговор на италиански.
Опитваш се да ме дразниш на тема музка, като ми говориш само за чалга и поп-фолк. Е, наречи ме летяща в облаците, надменна или не живееща в реалността, но не слушам и не ме интересува този тип музика.
Вярно е, че и там има смислени текстове, които говорят за нещата от живота, но в същото време има и предостатъчно, които отразяват все по сриващото се ниво на обща култура, липса елементарни познания по граматика и изкривяването на цялото ни общество.
Може да съм старомодна или живееща в облаците, но предпочитам останалите стилове музика.
С удоволствие куфея на един як рок концерт и пея с групата ако и знам текстовете. Харесва ми да танцувам танго. Този тип музика изразява най-добре изречението, че „танцът е вертикално изразяване на хоризонтални желания”. Тангото е чувствено, страстно и предизвикващо, а в същото време трябва да ти идва от вътре, защото в танца човек изразява себе си и своето светоусещане.
Ти ми предлагаш да отидем на „Зелени камъни”. Е, аз ти предлагам да отидем на салса парти и така да се развихрим, че да остане само танца, след който да сме забравили всичките си проблеми. Да танцуваме час и накрая да се чувстваме като след маратонско бягане.
Ти ми говориш за ходене на кръчма всяка втора вечер. ОК, но може ли да бъде на пиано клуб с жива музика? Да послушаме вокала как пее Бийтълс или Тангра или Дийп Пърпъл.
Или саксофонистката те докосва с изпълнението си „Mercy”. А пианистът ти изпълнява „Memories”, че си представяш Бродуей и как Барбара Стрейзън пее на живо и най-тънката струна в душата ти се къса. Как пианистът завършва джаз вечерта с Ададжио-то на Антониони.
А знаеш ли кой е Ленърд Коен? Какво мислиш за музиката на Пиацола и би ли отишъл на подобен концерт доброволно?
Ти пушиш. Аз не.
Казвам ти, че не желая цигарен дим в дома си, а ти търсиш вратички в системата и ме питаш дали на терасата може.
Обяснявам ти, че до толкова не ми понасят цигарите, че мога да направя подобен на астматичен пристъп в много задимено помещение и ти мълчаливо ме слушаш, но малко по-късно аз чувам в слушалките как запалката ти щраква за пореден път като фон на разговора ни.
Аз съм родена край морето. Ти в планината. Аз обичам планината с нейната величественост и тишина, вековно спокойствие и чистотата. Но въпреки това морето си остава моята голяма любов и споделям принципа, че „всичко, което е далеч от морския бряг е провинция”.
Превърнала съм вниманието към детайла от недостатък, който дразни околните (някои го наричта дребнавост), в полезно качество, което ми помага да правя по-добри фотографиии, да улавям момента. Може вече да не щракам като японски турист, но нося фотоапарата на всякъде със себе си, той е част от дамската ми чанта.
От 1993 година ходя в Астрономическия клуб на Варненска обсерватория. Макар и да познавам само основните съзвездия и никога да не съм си поставяла за самоцел да им уча звездните велични (нещо доста необходимо за един метеорен наблюдател) винаги, когато имам възможност се спирам и се любувам на нощното небе.
Ти обръщаш ли му внимание? Кога последно се загледа нагоре?
Обичам да медитирам. Занимавам се с енергийни практики. Когато съм ти споменавала общо използвани думи от тази сфера ти искрено си признаваше, че си ги чувал, но не знаеш за какво става въпрос.
Днес цял след обед четох книга. Имам цяла купчинка на масата до леглото си – криминална, екшън, за медитации, за личностно усъвършенстване, фантастика, за арменския геноцид, руски хумор... Тази, която четох е смес от психология и история на изкуството.
Ти кога последно чете книга. В какъв стил беше?
Говорим си по телефона. Аз ти обяснявам, че имам работа, но ти добавяш още нещо и пак започваме. А трябваше да затварям...
Благодаря! Благодарение на теб осъзнах, колко досадни можем да сме понякога жените с непрекъснатото си дърдорене и търсене на внимание.
Говорим си по скайпа. Ти мърмориш понеже ме чуваш как чукам по клавишите. Искаш моето внимание на 100%. Трудно е, когато разговорът тече само за идеята.
Спи ти се. Прозяваш се, но въпреки това вместо да си легнеш и да си починеш и двамата сме на линия и продължаваме да си бъбрим. За разни дребни неща.
Вярно е, че влюбените го правят и им доставя удоволствие. Но аз не съм. И ми доскучава.
Сега ме питаш дали съм си мислила за теб... и дали съм искала да ти се обадя по телефона днес.... и защо не съм...
Не знам дали въобще ще се влюбя в теб. Не вярвам във връзките от разстояние. Опитът ми до сега винаги е показвал, че каквото и да си говорите/пишете/споделяте, когато се срещнете в истинския живот нещата са доста по-различни.
Създавала съм и имам истински приятели срещнати чрез интернет.
Един от тях се омъжи за моя позната – с нея се запознахме в един междуградски автобус, а те двамата се запознаха покрай мен.
Друг, макар и далеч, и макар и да се чуваме средно два пъти в годината все още ми е добър приятел и може би, един от хората, които ме разбират най-добре.
Но връзки – не. Или може би...
Единствената от която се получи нещо повече ми даде най-прекрасната седмица в живота ми. Седмица, в която се чувствах специална. Седмица, която не очаквах да се развие по този начин. Седмица, в която почувствах какво е да си желан и обичан. Седмица, която ме накара да преосмисля всичките си връзки до този момент. Седмица, която ще помня цял живот.
Продължихме контакта по интернет. Успях да се срещна отново с него година по-късно. Нямаше нищо общо. Бяхме като двама чужди, които се познават случайно. Разликата беше толкова драстична, че не бях сигурна, че общувам със съшия човек. Последния ден се скарахме така жестоко, че контакта прекъсна. Завинаги.
Това беше последната капка. Макар и моята романтична душа да копнее за същите неща, които споделяхме в онази дълга он-лайн нощ, съзнанието ми ме връща в реалността всяка сутрин. Тя, реалността, ми напомня, че за да има една смислена и дълготрайна връзка „малките камъчета” не трябва да съществуват; че трябва да имаме повече общи интереси; че няма смисъл да се опитваш да промениш другия, защото няма да се получи; че опитите са равносилни да си блъскаш главата в дебела тухлена стена всеки ден, преструвайки се, че я няма....
А ти – колко камъчета преброи?
Sunday 3 October 2010
Wednesday 8 September 2010
Closer
Dan: I want Anna back.
Larry: She's made her choice.
Dan: I owe you an apology. I fell in love with her. My intention was not to make you suffer.
Larry: So where's the apology? Ya cunt.
Dan: I apologize. If you love her you'll let her go so she can be happy.
Larry: She doesn't want to be happy.
Dan: Everybody wants to be happy.
Larry: Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing.
This amazing dialogue is one of my favourites from the movie Closer.
Read it again and ask yourself - are you a depressive? Do you dare to go out and live? Or just prefer to stick to your daily routines and complain?
Stay well, my friends.
Larry: She's made her choice.
Dan: I owe you an apology. I fell in love with her. My intention was not to make you suffer.
Larry: So where's the apology? Ya cunt.
Dan: I apologize. If you love her you'll let her go so she can be happy.
Larry: She doesn't want to be happy.
Dan: Everybody wants to be happy.
Larry: Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing.
This amazing dialogue is one of my favourites from the movie Closer.
Read it again and ask yourself - are you a depressive? Do you dare to go out and live? Or just prefer to stick to your daily routines and complain?
Stay well, my friends.
Wednesday 18 August 2010
Day of Varna
15 August is the day of Varna. This date which also matches the Christian feast Assumption.
But for most visitors and citizens of our city it's just a good occasion to enjoy the program organised by the Municipality and of course the fireworks in the evening sky.
For those who have seen them and for those who have missed them again:
If you'd like to see more I would recommend you to use the slide-show option and enjoy their beauty. Fireworks album
But for most visitors and citizens of our city it's just a good occasion to enjoy the program organised by the Municipality and of course the fireworks in the evening sky.
For those who have seen them and for those who have missed them again:
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| From Fireworks |
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| From Fireworks |
If you'd like to see more I would recommend you to use the slide-show option and enjoy their beauty. Fireworks album
Friday 13 August 2010
Love or money
Maybe most of us have faced the dilemma at least once in their lives? Or maybe not? But what would you choose, if you have to? I asked myself these questions last night, listening to a conversation...
Two girls. Both in their mid twenties. Both students. Friends, and for some time now, flatmates.
One coming from a smaller town and a loving family. Came to the big city to study in the Secondary School. Living more or less on her own since then. Working since 18. Now - an university student. And working in a dry cleaning for the summer period for 200 euro/month.
Dates, but secretly in love. Though, optimist for the future.
The other one - born in the big city. Daughter of an university professor. Locked up at home to study, study, study... Few friends approved. Boyfriends banned. Till the day she's totally exhausted but her pride says Enough and Nevermore and she moves out of her parent's house.
She keeps studying (an University student atm), works here and there, but the economic situation does not allow her to earn enough to make a living.
Has a long term boyfriend, though their relationship is like the tide - coming and going. He yells at her sometimes, tries to beat her now and then, still, they love each other.
For seven years now...
But she met another guy two years ago. He's older, good looking, has class and style and money. A businessman. A married man. He's treating her well, always gentle and caring. He knows the story of her life and the fact that she's in love with another guy. He travels a lot because of his business and is back in the big city every summer and they keep on meeting...
Now she's fed up even more. With the lack of money. She doesn't want to pretend that 200 euro/month are enough. Exhausted with her everyday trials to make ends meet. With the struggle called 'her life'.
Craving to get some love, a place to to feel safe and loved, and cared of. So, she's made up her mind. She's leaving. Going with the businessman, who will give her more than her basic needs.
She knows that she'll be a mistress. The other woman. But she's ready to trade her attention for some money and a good lifestyle...
This is not the end of the story. Maybe I will learn some more of it in the future. Maybe not.
But the decision of this girl, this young woman really struck me. It made me think... about the parents and their wishes and unaccomplished ambitions, about the way they push their children to fulfil the elders' dreams. About the friends and boyfriends and the relationships we form with them.
About all the life choices we make. Every day.
So, what are you doing right now? What do you do for a living? Do you like it? Who chose it for you? Are you happy with it?
What about the person next to you? Is he/she the one?
What did you choose?
What will you choose? Love or money?
***
Edgar Allan Poe - The Raven
Two girls. Both in their mid twenties. Both students. Friends, and for some time now, flatmates.
One coming from a smaller town and a loving family. Came to the big city to study in the Secondary School. Living more or less on her own since then. Working since 18. Now - an university student. And working in a dry cleaning for the summer period for 200 euro/month.
Dates, but secretly in love. Though, optimist for the future.
The other one - born in the big city. Daughter of an university professor. Locked up at home to study, study, study... Few friends approved. Boyfriends banned. Till the day she's totally exhausted but her pride says Enough and Nevermore and she moves out of her parent's house.
She keeps studying (an University student atm), works here and there, but the economic situation does not allow her to earn enough to make a living.
Has a long term boyfriend, though their relationship is like the tide - coming and going. He yells at her sometimes, tries to beat her now and then, still, they love each other.
For seven years now...
But she met another guy two years ago. He's older, good looking, has class and style and money. A businessman. A married man. He's treating her well, always gentle and caring. He knows the story of her life and the fact that she's in love with another guy. He travels a lot because of his business and is back in the big city every summer and they keep on meeting...
Now she's fed up even more. With the lack of money. She doesn't want to pretend that 200 euro/month are enough. Exhausted with her everyday trials to make ends meet. With the struggle called 'her life'.
Craving to get some love, a place to to feel safe and loved, and cared of. So, she's made up her mind. She's leaving. Going with the businessman, who will give her more than her basic needs.
She knows that she'll be a mistress. The other woman. But she's ready to trade her attention for some money and a good lifestyle...
This is not the end of the story. Maybe I will learn some more of it in the future. Maybe not.
But the decision of this girl, this young woman really struck me. It made me think... about the parents and their wishes and unaccomplished ambitions, about the way they push their children to fulfil the elders' dreams. About the friends and boyfriends and the relationships we form with them.
About all the life choices we make. Every day.
So, what are you doing right now? What do you do for a living? Do you like it? Who chose it for you? Are you happy with it?
What about the person next to you? Is he/she the one?
What did you choose?
What will you choose? Love or money?
***
Edgar Allan Poe - The Raven
Did you watch them?
The maximum of the meteor shower called The Perseids was last night and the night before.
Each year it peaks around 11-13 August, born by the dust trail of the comet Swift-Tuttle.
So, did you watch them?
Being during the week, I did not have the time to go out of town to enjoy it. Yet, I took my mat and got out on the meadow behind my block of flats to get my share of the shooting stars show.
I hope you also did it. If not, don't miss it next year. They will be back. :)
In the meanwhile you can learn a bit more about the Perseids:
...or try your knowledge by taking the Quiz.
Each year it peaks around 11-13 August, born by the dust trail of the comet Swift-Tuttle.
So, did you watch them?
Being during the week, I did not have the time to go out of town to enjoy it. Yet, I took my mat and got out on the meadow behind my block of flats to get my share of the shooting stars show.
I hope you also did it. If not, don't miss it next year. They will be back. :)
In the meanwhile you can learn a bit more about the Perseids:
...or try your knowledge by taking the Quiz.
Saturday 7 August 2010
A trip less than ordinary
You want to travel round Bulgaria? Well, if you do so then you need a car. If you don't have a car then the usual 2 other options are trains or buses.
Locals do know that trains are slow and dirty. They are permanently late, despite the fact that they are just a bit cheaper than the inter city buses.
Thus, if you want to travel faster you get the bus.
So, I was off this weekend. Decided to visit a friend of mine who's staying in a village close to Veliko Tarnovo.
I picked the bus option as a means of transport. There are plenty of companies going through Tarnovo on the way to Sofia every day. I wanted to get there faster, so my first option was Biomet.
Biomet are known for their regularity, nice new good-looking buses and the fact that they don't stop in every little village to drop or collect more people, thus ensuring faster travel.
I went to their office and bought myself a ticket on Thursday.
I was thinking .... finish work at 6 p.m., and go straight to the bus station. Bus leaves at 7 p.m., so hopefully I'd be in Tarnovo around 10 p.m. So, I'd have enough time for dinner, chit-chat and a lovely Friday evening.
But as per Murphy's Laws destiny had other plans. Ten minutes before the departure time the speaker system at the bus station announced that bus won't perform the trip.
I rushed back to the office of the bus line. The explanation of the ladies there - the bus's been broken and they were expecting it to be fixed by 7 p.m., but it wasn't.
My options - to get a refund for the ticket or take the next bus which was planned leave an hour and a half later - at 8:30 p.m.
Despite the list of bus lines available it appeared that there were no other buses leaving round that time. The competition options were due to depart around 10-10:30 p.m.
...and all of this happened on a Friday evening - usually a very busy period of the week.
Having no other options, I agreed to travel with the later bus. I wanted to enjoy the weekend and meet the friend. I was also hoping for some sightseeing in the area, but I'll leave the sightseeing part for another post.
There was this girl at the second guichet. She also had a 7 p.m. ticket. And a plane to catch which was leaving at 5 a.m., considering the fact that the trip to Sofia takes 6.5 hours and that the trip between the bus station and the airport is 30 minutes itself. I'll leave the calculations to you...
So, stuck at the bus-station for an hour and a half. Not enough time to go home and no place to have a cup of coffee, as all the shops at the station close at 7 p.m.
I was so annoyed that I didn't even think to take some photos of the shabby outlook of the area there. The inter-city bus station is there for ages, but seems that no one has ever considered to do some renovation.
At least I had a book to read and entertain myself.
Finally the 8:30 bus was positioned and we got on board. I had the feeling that at least 30% of the people there were like me - waiting since 7 p.m.
We were on. Just when the bus got on the highway the stewardess switched on the video. It was time for another movie to help time pass. The movie was called 'Giallo'. We had only watched about 15 minutes of it and she stopped it. Disk change. New movie. 'Daybreakers'. This one was more interesting. We managed to watch an hour out of it. Then it was scrolled forward and stopped.
By that time we were at the suburbs of Shumen. And we stopped. To let some people get off and some more to get on. Five minute break.
New movie: Sand snakes ( or sth like that). New stop - at Targovishte. Movie only lasted like 10 minutes and was replaced by 4th one - 17 again.
Well, this one survived till Veliko Tarnovo.
Yay, I made it. with 90 minutes delay at the start and four movies (lol) I finally reached my destination point.
I do hope that your trip will be more pleasant than mine. I really didn't expect it.
Locals do know that trains are slow and dirty. They are permanently late, despite the fact that they are just a bit cheaper than the inter city buses.
Thus, if you want to travel faster you get the bus.
So, I was off this weekend. Decided to visit a friend of mine who's staying in a village close to Veliko Tarnovo.
I picked the bus option as a means of transport. There are plenty of companies going through Tarnovo on the way to Sofia every day. I wanted to get there faster, so my first option was Biomet.
Biomet are known for their regularity, nice new good-looking buses and the fact that they don't stop in every little village to drop or collect more people, thus ensuring faster travel.
I went to their office and bought myself a ticket on Thursday.
I was thinking .... finish work at 6 p.m., and go straight to the bus station. Bus leaves at 7 p.m., so hopefully I'd be in Tarnovo around 10 p.m. So, I'd have enough time for dinner, chit-chat and a lovely Friday evening.
But as per Murphy's Laws destiny had other plans. Ten minutes before the departure time the speaker system at the bus station announced that bus won't perform the trip.
I rushed back to the office of the bus line. The explanation of the ladies there - the bus's been broken and they were expecting it to be fixed by 7 p.m., but it wasn't.
My options - to get a refund for the ticket or take the next bus which was planned leave an hour and a half later - at 8:30 p.m.
Despite the list of bus lines available it appeared that there were no other buses leaving round that time. The competition options were due to depart around 10-10:30 p.m.
...and all of this happened on a Friday evening - usually a very busy period of the week.
Having no other options, I agreed to travel with the later bus. I wanted to enjoy the weekend and meet the friend. I was also hoping for some sightseeing in the area, but I'll leave the sightseeing part for another post.
There was this girl at the second guichet. She also had a 7 p.m. ticket. And a plane to catch which was leaving at 5 a.m., considering the fact that the trip to Sofia takes 6.5 hours and that the trip between the bus station and the airport is 30 minutes itself. I'll leave the calculations to you...
So, stuck at the bus-station for an hour and a half. Not enough time to go home and no place to have a cup of coffee, as all the shops at the station close at 7 p.m.
I was so annoyed that I didn't even think to take some photos of the shabby outlook of the area there. The inter-city bus station is there for ages, but seems that no one has ever considered to do some renovation.
At least I had a book to read and entertain myself.
Finally the 8:30 bus was positioned and we got on board. I had the feeling that at least 30% of the people there were like me - waiting since 7 p.m.
We were on. Just when the bus got on the highway the stewardess switched on the video. It was time for another movie to help time pass. The movie was called 'Giallo'. We had only watched about 15 minutes of it and she stopped it. Disk change. New movie. 'Daybreakers'. This one was more interesting. We managed to watch an hour out of it. Then it was scrolled forward and stopped.
By that time we were at the suburbs of Shumen. And we stopped. To let some people get off and some more to get on. Five minute break.
New movie: Sand snakes ( or sth like that). New stop - at Targovishte. Movie only lasted like 10 minutes and was replaced by 4th one - 17 again.
Well, this one survived till Veliko Tarnovo.
Yay, I made it. with 90 minutes delay at the start and four movies (lol) I finally reached my destination point.
I do hope that your trip will be more pleasant than mine. I really didn't expect it.
Wednesday 17 March 2010
Beannachta file padraig oraibh!
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
It's 17 March and people all over the world celebrate St. Patrick's day.
I want to greet you with a video from the Dublin parade and a nice typical Irish song:
It's 17 March and people all over the world celebrate St. Patrick's day.
I want to greet you with a video from the Dublin parade and a nice typical Irish song:
Hello world!
Hello world!
I did it! Finally! This is my first blog. I intend to inhabit it with various things on a large list of topics. :)
I will leave you to discover my interests by reading my posts.
So, welcome and I hope that you'll enjoy it.
I did it! Finally! This is my first blog. I intend to inhabit it with various things on a large list of topics. :)
I will leave you to discover my interests by reading my posts.
So, welcome and I hope that you'll enjoy it.
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